Who Would Win?

SO I FIND MYSELF WATCHING GHOST RIDER, LIKE I DO EVERY THURSDAY NIGHT, AND I'M THINKING TO MYSELF, "I THINK NIC CAGE MIGHT BE ABLE TO BEAT THE S#%T OUT OF CHUCK NORRIS. I JUST DON'T KNOW IF ITS TOO BOLD FOR ME TO SAY THAT OR NOT. IF THERE IS ANYONE WHO COULD OVERTAKE CHUCK NORRIS IT WOULD BE NIC CAGE.

The Archives: ALL CAPS TO DEBATE VICTORY

The following sports debate took place on Facebook on November 17, 2009.  It took place while the Vikings were having a rare winning season, riding Brett Favre on the way to a humilating NFC Championship playoff defeat. USR's own Hate-a-Tronic employed the all caps role reversal idiot method in annoying the overconfident Vikes' fans to perfection:

Mid-conversation, after Vikings and Packers fans have been debating with each other obnoxiously for multiple posts

Hate-a-Tronic:

HEY EVERYBODY THE VIKING 'FANS' ARE OUT AGAIN THIS YEAR! CHANNEL 9 TOLD ME DAT DA VIKINGS ARE GOOD DIS YEAR, THANK YOU KEITH MARLER NOW I CAN BE A FAN. WOOOO GO DAT ONE GUY WHO WEARS DAT HAT! I REALLY LIKE DAT HORN DEY PLAY WHEN DA PURPLE ...JESUS DOES A GOOD PLAY. I REALLY LIKE HIM AND MIKAEL JORDAN AND BRETT. #28 is da best.

-Typical Viking 'fan'

Brandon Sundberg (some Vikings fan):

was that hard trying to think like a retard [Hate-a-Tronic]? oh wait, must be easy coming from a seasoned packer fan. Btw, go play the worst team in the league, say Tampa, and win...wait, you can't...ouch.

Tee Martin:

GOOD POINTS [HATE-A-TRONIC] BUT WAT I REARRY LIKE DA BEST IS DAT COACH DEY CALL CHILLI...THAT IS SO FUNNY! IT IS LIKE A KIND OF SOUP AND A COACH AT DA SAME TIME!!!! I ALSO LIKE HOW THAT NUMBER 28 IS CALLED AD. NOT MANY PEOPLE KNOW THIS, BUT HE IS ACTUALLY GOT THE INTIALS AP BUT THEY CALL HIM AD FOR 'ALL DAY'! AS IN "ALL DAY I WILL TRY MY BEST NOT TO FUMBLE DAT SLIPPERY BALL." ISNT THAT JUST THE CREATIVIST? MIKUL JORDAN WAS DA BESTEST EVER I LIKED IT WHEN HE DUNKED THE BALL LIKE 'SLAMMA'

Hate-a-Tronic (to Vikes' fan):

‎1. IM GLADE YOU THINK YOU 'FANS' ARE RETARDED, LIKE YOU ARE.
2. ID LIKE TO SEE DA MINNERSORTA 'PURPLE JESUS'S' BEAT TAMPA @ TAMPA.
3. HERE IS ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF A TYPICAL VIKING 'FAN':
Question: 'Hey, can you name 5 viking players?
Typical Viking fan: 'I CAN REALLY NAME 2 GUYS DAT ARE PRETTY MUCH LIKE NAMING 5. UMMM... I KNOW 28 AND PURPLE JESUS. AND THEN I THINK THERE IS THE PURPLE SAVIOR AND DEN DERE IS ALWAYS BRETT FARVRE. ODER DAN DAT I KNOW #28 AND ADRIAN PETERSON. LETS SEE HOW MANY DID I SAY NOW? 6, HAHA SEE I BEAT YOUR QUESTION.'

As you can see, through the use of the all caps role reversal idiot method, the Hate-a-Tronic comes out on top of yet another sports argument.  Credit the USR archives for this invaluable tip you can make sure to use the next time you get in a heated sports debate.  Check back often as similar tips will be posted to USR in the future.

Kip Payless vs. 10 PCP Hornets....By Kip Payless

Kip Payless vs. 10 PCP Hornets

Winner equals me.........enough said

Winner: Me (Probably) by Tee Martin



x 10



VERSUS

Favorite: Me, but not by much.  2: 1 or so in a walled arena, but as low as a tossup if the matchup is held in an open field of tall grass.

Estimated Time of Fight: 2 minutes, 54 seconds(arena) or 15 minutes (field).  The hornets' durability and determination will keep them fighting for longer than you would expect, even if my fear-insprired quick-attack fighting style is effective.  Add a solid dozen or so minutes in a field, where the hornets are likely to evade my gaze, or perhaps live in the grass long after I assume them for dead.

Damage:

To the Hornets
Ranging from Death/Severe Injury to just Death

To Me
Tons of blistering and welting from multiple stings and bites.  Poisining from the stings as well, likely requiring hospitilization.  Low risk of death provided I keep my mouth shut.  Emotional scarring for life likely. 

Breakdown: I don't want to understate the toughness and aggressiveness of the giant asian hornet in anyway, because this one would be a dogfight.  I know everyone is thinking "10?  They are fucking insects, I can take ten of ANY insect," but I don't think these people even understand the concept of 10.  10 means that while you kill one with each hand, there are still 8 left to sting you in the dick eyeball. 

And these things don't die easy: even the hornets you see around here you need to hit with a shoe like 23 times before it stops twitching.  I remember doing that stupid bug collection project for Mr. Steinmetz in 8th grade and I killed a wasp the night before (I caught all the insects for the project within 24 hours of the due date), pinned it to the board by putting multiple needles through its freaking abdomen, and awoke the next day to find the thing repeatedly stinging the cardboard to which it was attached.  So I wouldn't expect the bigger versions to go down any easier. 

Their size actually works against them in this battle, and I am able to track them visually well enough to take them out one at a time.  Working to my favor here would be a battle arena with walls--something I get to squash them against.  If we are talking an open field (home-field advantage for the insect) things get markedly tougher, as I must get them on the ground to finish the kill most likely.  Swatting these things out of air will not do sufficient damage. 

Overall, I expect to prevail in a close one, using the swat-then-stomp method. 

Potential Variables:

If the insects were, like, trained or something (I don't know if this can actually be done) to kill me, I could be in serious trouble.  Generally speaking, insects aren't exactly the smartest creatures on earth so I would expect wild ones to sort of just wander around for much of the fight, making easy targets.  So if they actually knew what to do to beat me and tried to execute that plan, I'd be in trouble. Ditto if they were given PCP beforehand. 

On the other hand, given a standard Wilson tennis racket, I feel I could easy take on a double-batch, and would feel confident in winning a match vs. as many as 25. 

Wednesday Discussion Topic: USR Writers vs. 10 Giant Asian Hornets

Today, we are debuting a new weekly segment, entitled:

Could You Beat it in a Fight?

This week's challenger is the Asian Giant Hornet...how would our writers fare in a battle with the foreign insect?

From Wikipedia:

The Asian giant hornet (Vespa mandarinia), including the subspecies Japanese giant hornet (Vespa mandarinia japonica),^[1] colloquially known as the yak-killer hornet,^[2] is the world's largest hornet, native to temperate and tropical Eastern Asia. Its body length is approximately 50 mm (2 in), with a wingspan of about 76 mm (3 in).^[3] The Japanese name for this insect is suzume bachi, literally "sparrow hornet".

Also worth noting is the fact that it has the most painful sting of any insect, and that 30 of them have infamously killed 30,000 honeybees in a few hours:

The question is: could you take on 10 of these?  How many COULD you beat straight up? With weaponry/protection? What strategy would you use?  Any other thoughts regarding the matchup are encouraged as well. 

Feel free to refute other's theories in the comments sections under their posts. 

Death Cab (Not for Cutie)

Cash Cab is a show where some cabdriver picks up New Yorkers and asks them questions and then gives them money depending on how well they answer those questions.  Although the contestants are usually batshit crazy, they still do WAY better than anyone I know possibly could at coming up with the right answers, so apparently New Yorkers are way smarter than us. 

Anyway, I was just thinking how much better it would be if instead of offering a cash prize for answering questions right, the incentive was punishment for getting answers wrong.  Like, what if on the third strike they dropped the passengers off in the middle of Harlem in full KKK garb?  That would be some good stuff, IMO.  Still sort of working on this idea, but it has potential like no other. 

Is This New Law Serious? By Hate-A-Tronic-5000

So I'm sitting here watching the local news when one story really caught my attention and pissed me off. Alabama and New York state are now making it illegal to be on a cell phone or have your iPod on while in a crosswalk. Not even kidding, the law actually reads that you can't even have an MP3 player ON while in a crosswalk and now they are trying to spread this crap to all states.

IS THIS SERIOUS? I am so irate with laws like this one, the seatbelt law and the no texting while driving law. I do, and always will, violate 2/3 of these laws. I am not going to turn my MP3 player off while I'm in a damn crosswalk or stop texting while driving. Why even make these items available for puchase if we can't use them in the times we want to use them the most?

Does Bob Knight know he is not a coach anymore? By Kip Payless

So im trying to watch some college hoops the other day between Kansas State and Baylor. But wait...who's that annoucning?.....good ole Bob Knight. Now I have respect for Bobby don't get me wrong. He's one of the most successful coaches of all time. But when it comes to calling a game he could be the worst. Every single play you have to put up with Knight telling the audience what the team did wrong or what the team should have done instead. "Ya you see here, where he missed that contested shot. Well he probably shouldn't have shot it." Or...."Ya see here where his pass went out of bounds. If I was coaching I would have told him to throw it to a teammate who was wide-open under the hoop so he could lay it in." Or else you have...."You see here where this guy made the game winning shot at the buzzer. Well I would have put myself into the game and chucked the ball off the opposite backboard so that the ball flew all the way over to the other hoop and then I would have tip slammed it in with no time left. That would have been the smarter play."

SHUT UP BOB KNIGHT!......no one cares what you think they should have done. Your not coaching anymore!!

This brings me to my next point of the game. Has anyone ever seen Frank Martin?! The Kansas State coach is the scariest coach I have ever seen. He is always screaming at his players like he is going to kill them. I don't know how gets any recruits. Who would want to play for someone who looks like this everytime you miss a shot. Often you can read his lips saying to his player "WHY THE F#@$ DID YOU MISS!!" or " IM GOING TO KILL YOU!! AND IT WON'T BE MY FIRST TIME!!!" .....Is it just me or does he look a lot like Arnold here.
I think this is Arnold's reaction after he just heard Bob Knight was announcing the next game.

Frank just needs to take a page from Arnold's younger days and smoke a cig with a group of creepy people sitting overtop of him. It also doesn't hurt to get a sweet shirt like Arnold's either.

Know What I Hate? Fantasy Scoring.

I hate fantasy football scoring that isn't the traditional 1 point per every 10 yards for running backs and wide receivers. I'm sitting here trying to figure out how I'm doing in my playoff fantasy football league and I look at the scoring system because this could be some big bucks for me. First off, why should a quarterback's touchdown throw (4 points) be worth less than a receiver's touchdown catch (6 points) or a rushing touchdown (6 points)? On top of that if the damn quarterback does manage to run in a touchdown, its freakin' worth SIX POINTS!!! DOES THIS MAKE ANY SENSE? It only gets worse because you get 1 point for every 5 pass COMPLETIONS and apparently interceptions don't do anything to a quarterback's points, which are both retarded in my opinion and it really pisses me off.

Now on to the running back, wide receiver and tight end points, where it gets just plain old stupid. Why would a running back ever get 1 point per 5 CARRIES!??! WHO CARES ABOUT HOW MANY TIMES A GUY GETS THE BALL, RIGHT? Oh weird, 'I TAKE DAT MIKEAL BURNER GUY AND I WIN-O!' Also the running back only gets 1 point for every 30 yards rushing, which seems a bit high to me, but still makes the most sense out of all these rules. The 'point per reception' rule is where I really start flamin' because it takes a running back 2 receptions for every 1 point, whereas wide receivers and tight ends get 1 point for every ONE reception! It's supposed to be a POINT PER RECEPTION league! Does this make any sense to anyone else?

I really don't even want to get started on the kicker's and defense's because I have just finished up totaling my score and it turns out I'm currently in 5th place out of 6 people, so I'm a little pissed off right now. FUCK!!

No more wi-fi

Wow! Really! Why would my nieghboors put a security lock on their Wi-Fi. some of us can't afford, or are to lazy to get the internet! So here i am now staying at work so I can use the internet to type this rant! So Rude! So ignorant! All i want to do is blog. And look at inappropriate pictures on the web, but no you had to take that away from me. Thanx.....

Jay Cutler by Lorance Marohnee

MAN I HATE DAT JAY CUTLER GUY. HE'S ALWAYS LOOKS LIKE A BABY AND LIKE GO CRY BABY YOU HURT YOUR WIDDLE KNEE? BACK WHEN I PLAYED I HURT MY KNEE ONCE AND STILL DIDNT STOP ME FROM JUMPING THROUGH CAR WINDOWS:

ALSO I BET HE DOESNT EVEN GET SWEET PIGTAILS LIKE I DID BECAUSE HE IS A TYPICAL HONKEE TRYIG TO PLAY ID LIKE TO SEE THAT TARD TRY TO PULL OFF THIS LOOK:

TYPICAL CRACKER I CANT WAIT TO BEAT HIM IN THE SUPERBOWL

Steelers and Jets Vie for a Chance to Play in Front of Joe Buck (1st Quarter Ranting) by Tee Martin

OK, that is ENOUGH Rashard Mendenhall.  I hate the Jets, and probably want them to lose, but at this point I'd take a Jets victory to stop this pud from racking up his 2.3 yards per carry to get to the end zone fourteen minutes in game time later.  Seriously, the guy makes Mewelde Moore look athletic by comparison.  Mark Sanchez looks flashy compared to that Najeh Davenport wannabe.   THIS is the best run of his career:

24-yards and he gets chased down by the Bears' 290 lb. safety.  This is freaking pathetic.

Welcome

Tom Brady is not a bad looking dude.  We thought we'd start with that statement just to prove that this blog will be accurate at times.  Don't believe me?  Well check this out:

There.  I mean just look at the stud.  Boy, wouldn't you like to take that handsome devil to a classy dining establishment and you know...whatever.  Anyway, the point is that accuracy is something the staff here at USR strives for.

Another thing you can take for granted is that we will throw in random images from across the web often, so as to distract from all that text that no one will ever read.  For example, here's a closeup of Martin Short:

Also, you will notice we have a Twitter account.   Nobody here at USR really gets how Twitter works, but having an account makes us seem like a pretty sweet deal.  Ditto to the fact that our banner was made on Microsoft Paint.  Take that, you Mac-using hippies. 

Basically, this is a place for our writers to vent on topics that piss them off to no end.  You won't want to read them, but we'll feel better for getting it off our collective chests.  This site is for the writers, not the readers, so if you don't like it, back off.  This post is getting lame so I'm going to end it here.