Thursday, January 27, 2011

Winner: Me (Probably) by Tee Martin


x 10





VERSUS


















Favorite: Me, but not by much.  2: 1 or so in a walled arena, but as low as a tossup if the matchup is held in an open field of tall grass.

Estimated Time of Fight: 2 minutes, 54 seconds(arena) or 15 minutes (field).  The hornets' durability and determination will keep them fighting for longer than you would expect, even if my fear-insprired quick-attack fighting style is effective.  Add a solid dozen or so minutes in a field, where the hornets are likely to evade my gaze, or perhaps live in the grass long after I assume them for dead.

Damage:

To the Hornets
Ranging from Death/Severe Injury to just Death

To Me
Tons of blistering and welting from multiple stings and bites.  Poisining from the stings as well, likely requiring hospitilization.  Low risk of death provided I keep my mouth shut.  Emotional scarring for life likely. 


Breakdown: I don't want to understate the toughness and aggressiveness of the giant asian hornet in anyway, because this one would be a dogfight.  I know everyone is thinking "10?  They are fucking insects, I can take ten of ANY insect," but I don't think these people even understand the concept of 10.  10 means that while you kill one with each hand, there are still 8 left to sting you in the dick eyeball. 

And these things don't die easy: even the hornets you see around here you need to hit with a shoe like 23 times before it stops twitching.  I remember doing that stupid bug collection project for Mr. Steinmetz in 8th grade and I killed a wasp the night before (I caught all the insects for the project within 24 hours of the due date), pinned it to the board by putting multiple needles through its freaking abdomen, and awoke the next day to find the thing repeatedly stinging the cardboard to which it was attached.  So I wouldn't expect the bigger versions to go down any easier. 

Their size actually works against them in this battle, and I am able to track them visually well enough to take them out one at a time.  Working to my favor here would be a battle arena with walls--something I get to squash them against.  If we are talking an open field (home-field advantage for the insect) things get markedly tougher, as I must get them on the ground to finish the kill most likely.  Swatting these things out of air will not do sufficient damage. 

Overall, I expect to prevail in a close one, using the swat-then-stomp method. 

Potential Variables:

If the insects were, like, trained or something (I don't know if this can actually be done) to kill me, I could be in serious trouble.  Generally speaking, insects aren't exactly the smartest creatures on earth so I would expect wild ones to sort of just wander around for much of the fight, making easy targets.  So if they actually knew what to do to beat me and tried to execute that plan, I'd be in trouble. Ditto if they were given PCP beforehand. 


On the other hand, given a standard Wilson tennis racket, I feel I could easy take on a double-batch, and would feel confident in winning a match vs. as many as 25. 

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