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Superbowl Preview: 10 Predictions



Mike Tomlin may very well reveal that he and Omar Epps are the same person, but that isn't one of my 10 predictions.



1.) Hines Ward will hit/block someone after the whistle, after which the announcers will discuss whether it was dirty before coming to the conclusion that it wasn’t a cheap shot because “that’s just how Hines Ward plays the game.”

2.) A large segment of the population will not let you forget about how awesome that new E-trade commercial with the talking babies was, as if they’ve never before seen special effects that make it look like a baby or animal is talking.  Seriously, those commercials are incredibly lame and essentially nothing that wasn’t already done in Homeward Bound or Baby Bob.  Oh, what?  You got it to look like a baby trades stocks while still maintaining some of the same interests and mannerisms of an actual baby?  And it talks with the voice of an adult human? Oh man, what a hilarious concept.  Ha ha.

3.) Hines Ward will be the hardest-working player on the field.

4.) Troy Aikman will prove multiple times that he has does not understand basic NFL rules. 

5.) Fans will still hate Joe Buck more.

6.) Hines Ward will be so tough and just, oh baby, look at that effort. 

7.) Ben Roethlisberger will be harder to sack than a coal freighter.

8.) A Steelers’ lineman whose name rhymes with “Diesel” will have a pretty money beard. 

Possibly this guy

9.) Packers’ fans will chant “Kooooon” as fullback John Kuhn racks up 8 yards on 6 carries. 

10.) The Black-Eyed Peas will suck still be better than any other hip-hop group would have been. 

Anything less than 10 for 10 on those would be a shocking.

Who Would Win?

SO I FIND MYSELF WATCHING GHOST RIDER, LIKE I DO EVERY THURSDAY NIGHT, AND I'M THINKING TO MYSELF, "I THINK NIC CAGE MIGHT BE ABLE TO BEAT THE S#%T OUT OF CHUCK NORRIS. I JUST DON'T KNOW IF ITS TOO BOLD FOR ME TO SAY THAT OR NOT. IF THERE IS ANYONE WHO COULD OVERTAKE CHUCK NORRIS IT WOULD BE NIC CAGE.

The Archives: ALL CAPS TO DEBATE VICTORY

The following sports debate took place on Facebook on November 17, 2009.  It took place while the Vikings were having a rare winning season, riding Brett Favre on the way to a humilating NFC Championship playoff defeat. USR's own Hate-a-Tronic employed the all caps role reversal idiot method in annoying the overconfident Vikes' fans to perfection:

Mid-conversation, after Vikings and Packers fans have been debating with each other obnoxiously for multiple posts

Hate-a-Tronic:

HEY EVERYBODY THE VIKING 'FANS' ARE OUT AGAIN THIS YEAR! CHANNEL 9 TOLD ME DAT DA VIKINGS ARE GOOD DIS YEAR, THANK YOU KEITH MARLER NOW I CAN BE A FAN. WOOOO GO DAT ONE GUY WHO WEARS DAT HAT! I REALLY LIKE DAT HORN DEY PLAY WHEN DA PURPLE ...JESUS DOES A GOOD PLAY. I REALLY LIKE HIM AND MIKAEL JORDAN AND BRETT. #28 is da best.

-Typical Viking 'fan'

Brandon Sundberg (some Vikings fan):

was that hard trying to think like a retard [Hate-a-Tronic]? oh wait, must be easy coming from a seasoned packer fan. Btw, go play the worst team in the league, say Tampa, and win...wait, you can't...ouch.

Tee Martin:

GOOD POINTS [HATE-A-TRONIC] BUT WAT I REARRY LIKE DA BEST IS DAT COACH DEY CALL CHILLI...THAT IS SO FUNNY! IT IS LIKE A KIND OF SOUP AND A COACH AT DA SAME TIME!!!! I ALSO LIKE HOW THAT NUMBER 28 IS CALLED AD. NOT MANY PEOPLE KNOW THIS, BUT HE IS ACTUALLY GOT THE INTIALS AP BUT THEY CALL HIM AD FOR 'ALL DAY'! AS IN "ALL DAY I WILL TRY MY BEST NOT TO FUMBLE DAT SLIPPERY BALL." ISNT THAT JUST THE CREATIVIST? MIKUL JORDAN WAS DA BESTEST EVER I LIKED IT WHEN HE DUNKED THE BALL LIKE 'SLAMMA'

Hate-a-Tronic (to Vikes' fan):

‎1. IM GLADE YOU THINK YOU 'FANS' ARE RETARDED, LIKE YOU ARE.
2. ID LIKE TO SEE DA MINNERSORTA 'PURPLE JESUS'S' BEAT TAMPA @ TAMPA.
3. HERE IS ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF A TYPICAL VIKING 'FAN':
Question: 'Hey, can you name 5 viking players?
Typical Viking fan: 'I CAN REALLY NAME 2 GUYS DAT ARE PRETTY MUCH LIKE NAMING 5. UMMM... I KNOW 28 AND PURPLE JESUS. AND THEN I THINK THERE IS THE PURPLE SAVIOR AND DEN DERE IS ALWAYS BRETT FARVRE. ODER DAN DAT I KNOW #28 AND ADRIAN PETERSON. LETS SEE HOW MANY DID I SAY NOW? 6, HAHA SEE I BEAT YOUR QUESTION.'

As you can see, through the use of the all caps role reversal idiot method, the Hate-a-Tronic comes out on top of yet another sports argument.  Credit the USR archives for this invaluable tip you can make sure to use the next time you get in a heated sports debate.  Check back often as similar tips will be posted to USR in the future.

Kip Payless vs. 10 PCP Hornets....By Kip Payless

Kip Payless vs. 10 PCP Hornets

Winner equals me.........enough said

Winner: Me (Probably) by Tee Martin



x 10



VERSUS

Favorite: Me, but not by much.  2: 1 or so in a walled arena, but as low as a tossup if the matchup is held in an open field of tall grass.

Estimated Time of Fight: 2 minutes, 54 seconds(arena) or 15 minutes (field).  The hornets' durability and determination will keep them fighting for longer than you would expect, even if my fear-insprired quick-attack fighting style is effective.  Add a solid dozen or so minutes in a field, where the hornets are likely to evade my gaze, or perhaps live in the grass long after I assume them for dead.

Damage:

To the Hornets
Ranging from Death/Severe Injury to just Death

To Me
Tons of blistering and welting from multiple stings and bites.  Poisining from the stings as well, likely requiring hospitilization.  Low risk of death provided I keep my mouth shut.  Emotional scarring for life likely. 

Breakdown: I don't want to understate the toughness and aggressiveness of the giant asian hornet in anyway, because this one would be a dogfight.  I know everyone is thinking "10?  They are fucking insects, I can take ten of ANY insect," but I don't think these people even understand the concept of 10.  10 means that while you kill one with each hand, there are still 8 left to sting you in the dick eyeball. 

And these things don't die easy: even the hornets you see around here you need to hit with a shoe like 23 times before it stops twitching.  I remember doing that stupid bug collection project for Mr. Steinmetz in 8th grade and I killed a wasp the night before (I caught all the insects for the project within 24 hours of the due date), pinned it to the board by putting multiple needles through its freaking abdomen, and awoke the next day to find the thing repeatedly stinging the cardboard to which it was attached.  So I wouldn't expect the bigger versions to go down any easier. 

Their size actually works against them in this battle, and I am able to track them visually well enough to take them out one at a time.  Working to my favor here would be a battle arena with walls--something I get to squash them against.  If we are talking an open field (home-field advantage for the insect) things get markedly tougher, as I must get them on the ground to finish the kill most likely.  Swatting these things out of air will not do sufficient damage. 

Overall, I expect to prevail in a close one, using the swat-then-stomp method. 

Potential Variables:

If the insects were, like, trained or something (I don't know if this can actually be done) to kill me, I could be in serious trouble.  Generally speaking, insects aren't exactly the smartest creatures on earth so I would expect wild ones to sort of just wander around for much of the fight, making easy targets.  So if they actually knew what to do to beat me and tried to execute that plan, I'd be in trouble. Ditto if they were given PCP beforehand. 

On the other hand, given a standard Wilson tennis racket, I feel I could easy take on a double-batch, and would feel confident in winning a match vs. as many as 25.